As an etiquette consultant I’m often asked what age I start teaching students. I offer classes starting at age four but teaching good manners starts at home right out of the womb.
 
While I wasn't focusing on forks and thank you notes with my then toddler son and my baby girl, now 9 months, I was keenly aware of my behavior towards them and my peers. Children are much more likely to do as you do than as you say. So as parents we have to lead my example. Since these foundations of life skills start in the home this means that children will learn their social skills by watching how you behave with fellow family members.
 
My husband and I say “please” and “thank you” to one another. We make eye contact regularly. Well, at least we try and therein lies the challenge.
 
Parenting is a full time taxing job full of highs and lows. There are moments and, sometimes days, where I’m impolite and snappy to my partner. There are evenings where I raise my voice and rude things come flying out of my mouth. And in front of the children. I’ve slammed doors, teared up and used “bad words”, as my son would point out.
 
Seconds later inevitable regret washes over me. Why could I have not handled that better? Why wasn't I more articulate?
 
Why not? Because this is real life. Not every moment in front of your children can be sanitized, polite and rated G. Arguing in front of a child isn't always wrong. It shows that even parents are human, make mistakes and get upset the same way a child does. Coping mechanisms as adults can be akin to a toddler break-down in the grocery store.
 
However, instead of protecting your children by pretending a disagreement hasn't occurred or changing topics right away you should acknowledge these challenges with a display of problem solving with your partner and an age appropriate conversation with your child. Make it a teachable moment.
 
Children need to learn problem solving and conversation skills. If we, as parents, run from confrontation, then our children will be done a disservice thinking that they can’t voice their concerns and stand up for what they believe in. Alternatively, if we just yell and push our views to exhaustion, we don’t teach children valuable listening skills and that there are two sides to every story. A future bully might be born out of these environs.
 
When words get the better of you and your partner try these tips to work towards resolution and show your children how to manage conflict.

• When you’re headed for an argument, count to five or 10 to prevent an outburst. You may still be angry but your tone of voice and words might be tempered thus received better.

• Speak with your child. Try: “Mommy and Daddy sometimes don’t agree about ___ but we still love each other” or “I’m sorry we used loud voices in front of you. Mommy got mad and I’ll talk with Daddy about it to make it better.” Depending on how serious the argument and the nature of it, reassure your child that they are not at fault and they are loved and safe.

• Ask your partner if you can find a time to speak about your disagreement when you are both calm and collected (and potentially away from the children). Scheduling a conversation has worked wonders in my relationship.

• Apologize to your partner and in front of the children even if it’s not your fault and no resolution has been found. Try: “I’m sorry we’ve argued. Let’s continue this later” or “I apologize for raising my voice.”

 
There’s no perfect relationship and certainly no perfect way to handle an argument but there are rules of etiquette to help guide you once you find yourself in a quagmire. Practicing them in front of your children sets an example of conflict resolution, tools your child will benefit from for years to come. It also exhibits respect towards your partner and that you are equals.
 
Every parent wants their child to have good manners. By circling back to etiquette in a variety of scenarios they will grow up to be not only polite but empowered and engaged citizens.
 
Bizia Greene owns the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to hello@etiquettesantafe.com or 988-2070.
 
 
 
 
 

Number one: Trial by Ordeal (or The Initiation)
My muccus plug came out on shabbat, probably during the prayer for wine. I was 38+6 weeks. I had read somewhere not very reputable that the first child arrives on average 8 days past its due date (41 +1) so I figured I would just be muccus plug-less for a few weeks. I continued ritually welcoming the holy day of rest without much expectation. I had bronchitis that was maybe pneumonia. I hadn’t slept in over a week (ha! I thought that was bad!). I kept doing neti pot because I was pregnant and couldn’t do anything else. It kept not working. I kept bending down lower trying to coax the salt water through my sinuses in a way that would be cleansing and not drowny and useless. I kind of hung upside down over the sink.So when my lower back started to hurt, that’s what I attributed it to – irresponsibly over-aggressive neti pot posture.
I went to sleep. I woke up. I was having contractions. Except they were in my back. And they didn’t hurt very much. A and I excitedly got out a notebook and timed them. They were 3 minutes apart! I was even better than 5-1-1! And it didn’t even hurt that much. I smugly thought about all the bicycle commuting I did throughout my pregnancy against the advice of my coworkers. Also I hiked like every day. That’s why my labor is so easy, I’m just so fit. Or maybe I’m just tougher than everyone else. I had never thought of myself as particularly pain tolerant, quite the opposite, but when it comes to this most primal of all experiences, my body just knows what to do. I called my mom and told her I was having contractions three minutes apart. I had some while on the phone but they didn’t hurt much, I could still talk. I called my doctor. She was skeptical. When she heard I was bleeding, she said to go to the hospital to get checked. We giddily grabbed our hospital bag, which contained two neti pots, some organic cheeto/pretzel snack mix, a ginger drink, and clothes for me and the baby to wear home-and headed over. The triage nurse checked me. 2.5 centimeters. We and our neti pots were sent home.
On the way home we stopped at Albertsons for some matzo ball soup ingredients. My contractions and I waited in the car. I ate matzo ball soup, then eventually it was dinner time. We went to some Italian place and I ate pasta like I was not going to be allowed to eat for two more days. We came home. The contractions got more painful. They stayed in my back. I never felt anything in my uterus. We decided to watch a funny movie for distraction like you’re supposed to but we didn’t really know anything about funny movies so we just picked Bridesmaids which is weird and heteronormative and not so funny. By 11pm I was in real pain. I realized my cycling and hiking weren’t shit. I was sure this was active labor. 3cm according to the triage nurse, but they admitted me I think out of pity and because there was a lot of blood. “This looks like an OP labor” she remarked. She was weirdly gruff for a New Mexican lady. “What’s an OP labor?” “Sunny-side up. The baby is facing the wrong way. Her back is facing your back. That’s why your labor is in your back. These labors are really painful and really slow.”
Our friend who was studying massage therapy was with us as a support. I needed her to push as hard as possible on my back for every contraction. I thought each one was going to take my life. I had two minutes to neti pot and then I would feel one ramping up again and I would scream PUSH and she would position herself and lean as hard as she could.
There was a nurse on duty that used to be a doula. Or still was a doula but right now was a nurse. She super kindly volunteered to help me flip the baby. There were all kinds of props, scarves and birthing balls. So many positions. I only wanted to be lying in the bed on my right side. Words kept coming out of her mouth at me and making me have to comprehend them and then move and it all hurt so badly it was almost unbearable. I finally said I felt the baby flip to make it stop. I did not understand doulas. I hated them.
I had kind of avoided any mention or image of birth on the internet so I wouldn’t have any expectations but I did somehow internalize that at some point one needs to be in a tub. I was holding on to this idea through each contraction like a piece of a rope in some kind of scuba diving disaster rescue situation. I felt like each contraction was going to break me. I asked to get in the tub. The nurse gently suggested that I wait until things were a little further along. I demanded to get in the tub. (I also felt like at some point I was supposed to be demanding things). It really felt like it was about survival. I just had to get in that tub, and we would survive.
I got in the tub. It was unfathomable to me, but the contractions actually hurt just as much in the tub as out. I got out of the tub and left the useless scuba diving rope behind. I don’t know how but I stayed alive the rest of the night.
Around 11am the nurse checked me again. “I’d say 4cm?” she said in a way that was clear that she was being generous. I used the absolute last vestiges of my energy to break down into hopeless, desperate sobs. I felt the beginning of the next contraction pull me under. The doctor was called.
She suggested two interventions, break my water and give an epidural. I agreed to the water breaking. She stuck a wooden hook into the water bag and all the amniotic fluid gushed out and immediately things became even more intense. I descended into a world of shadows and archetypes. The nice nurse was like a guide across the river styx. I stopped seeing. At one point I was on the birthing ball in the shower. The ball was over the drain. The room flooded. Water dripped into radiology below. There were many people, men, in my room, wondering about the deluge, and I took absolutely no notice of  any of it.I stopped worrying about whether I would die. The only thing I was capable of knowing was the forming, cresting, and ebbing of each contraction.
An hour later i was checked again. 5cm. “I think an epidural would help you” said my very very natural-y, non-interventionist doctor. A: “I really think you should get an epidural” Me,”No.” I don’t understand words. I’m remembering from some distant, unrecognizable past that I wasn’t going to get an epidural. That sounds right. A: “I really think it’s a good idea” Me – “Ok”  Just stop. The nurse anesthetist came. When she forced herself into my consciousness I could only vaguely perceive her as an evil witch with terrible potions. They prepped me to shove an extremely large needle down my spine. I did not give a fuck. The only thing I cared about was that I wouldn’t be able to have my friend push on my back during the contraction when they were preparing my back.
And then they stopped. I slept for an hour. I woke up. I was shaking violently. I couldn’t drink enough water. I had to drink all of the water. I vomited. I drank 10 gallons more water. The vitals machine sounded an alarm. The evil witch came back and injected something into my IV. “What’s that? ” “Epinephrine. Your blood pressure is too low” More violent shaking. I said I felt pressure. The nurse checked me – 10cm and ready to push. The nurse put her hand on my uterus and watched the machine, informed me of when I was having a contraction, and told me to push. I pushed like I was trying to split myself in half. Nothing happened. I had been in labor for so long that my contractions were petering out, not strong enough to help the baby out. I was given pitocin. Eventually the Dr remarked that she could see the baby’s head and could put a bow in her hair. At one point the nurse took my temp, looked alarmed, showed it to the Dr. The dr remained impassive and just said “It’s ok. She’s drinking plenty of water” I even tried to drink water while pushing. Eventually, after three hours, I asked if maybe this called for the vacuum. The Dr agreed that that was a good idea. I didn’t look at it but I imagined a dust buster with my baby’s head in it. She got it in position and told me to push as hard as I could. I summoned all of my remaining strength and everyone else’s and the epinephrine’s and PUSHED. Y was here.  She was perfect. Strong and beautiful and mysterious and so familiar. I had never seen such a creature. It was like the universe cracked open and god fell out. I loved her.
And I was in such shock.
Y’s temp was 102.5 and the doctor, amazing as she was, told the nurses that she should stay with me rather than being brought to pediatrics because she knew she had a fever only from cooking in my crazy feverish body, not because she had an infection. Her temp dropped quickly. She stayed with us the whole time, got a perfect APGAR score and latched well. I was given antibiotics for pneumonia and a nebulizer.

​Number two: He Basically Just Crawled Out in My Sleep
We hired a doula for this birth, even though I was doubtful of their usefulness. We only had two questions for the potential doulas: Are you homophobic? Are you ok with epidurals? Because we’re gay and I’m getting an epidural. Much sooner this time.
I weathered another end of pregnancy bronchitis adventure this time with a different doctor who strongly encouraged me to take drugs and sleep – better for baby if I sleep than if I stay sick and cough myself into early labor because I didn’t want to expose him topharmaceuticals.She tried to give me Ambien. I took the cough syrup with codeine. I slept 5 hours one night and  finally got better after five weeks of refusing drugs and staying sick.
I started to have some back pain and so I went to acupuncture at 38+6 days. The Acupuncturist asked if I wanted her to get labor going. I declined.It was dark when I walked home, but it was snowing and bright so I didn’t trip over anything for once. Around 10pm I started to feel twinges. In my fucking back again. By 11pm they were regular and not so painful. Nothing to see here, I know what this looks like, let’s all go to bed. Our doula told us that in early labor I should sleep as much as I possibly could which was damn good advice. She had also shown me different positions to hang out in to encourage the baby to be facing the right way. I kind of dozed in those positions. My three year old who never sleeps jumped on my back and asked me to be a horse. The contractions got a little bit stronger around 5am (and they were also in my uterus!) but still nothing to write home about. I didn’t write home,  I did write to the doula just to warn her that in the next few days I might have a baby. I hesitantly woke A and had her push on my back for some of them, but most I could just breathe through. My daughter petted my face as I breathed. Then she went to dance class with Grandma, who was visiting to take care of her when I went into labor.
Around 9am I realized I was hungry. I ate fried eggs and a peanut butter banana chocolate smoothie. All of it. The contractions were 5 or 6 minutes apart but I still didn’t make much of them. I asked A if she thought we should write the doula. “I just don’t think you’re there yet, compared to last time.” I agreed. The doula suggested getting checked at my Dr’s office since then I’d skip triage at the hospital if I were admittable. I thought we should wait, but then I became curious.
I got dressed and we left. Anne threw the hospital bag in the car cause why not?. This one also contained organic cheetos-so good for pushing babies out. When I was standing, the contractions were coming much faster but still not so painful. I had to manage a contraction outside before I could make it to the receptionist. She asked how quickly they were coming. I looked at my watch. Actually, about every minute. I learned against the wall to deal with another one.
I told the doctor to lie to me if I were any less than 3cm because it would be too discouraging. She agreed. She checked me for ten years. I waited to hear “3cm” But instead: “There is no cervix there. You are like 9.5cm. And the baby’s head is RIGHT THERE. Why are you not at the hospital??? Ok.. I just got an emergency kit so I can deliver you here. Do you have to push?” I did not have to push. We all rushed to the hospital.
The 0.3 miles between the clinic and the hospital is primarily composed of speed bumps. A flew over them like there was not a baby evidently about to fall out of my vagina. We waked into our room and somehow the dr. had already teleported herself there. I got hooked up to the monitors and cracked some jokes between contractions. I was convinced that the Dr had somehow missed my cervix and that I was actually like 3cm. No blood, no mucus plug, I’m having a coherent conversation, I pointed out to the nurse. She kind of agreed. But I didn’t want to be checked again.
Then I  was in transition. I descended down to the pain place. It was incredible, magnificent pain. The hot shower maybe helped  and then it didn’t. An hour went by.I still didn’t feel the need to push. I was stuck. I panicked. I can’t stay in this place. I want an epidural.
The doula calmly said that sometimes when people feel stuck there’s something they’re afraid of. She asked if that was maybe happening. She expected me to worry about tearing or pushing,but I burst into tears and said “we never did the genetic testing and I’m scared that he has a chromosomal abnormality.”The doula calmly encouraged me to maybe just worry about getting him here.
But voicing my Down’s Syndrome concerns didn’t lead to eviction. She recommended that I pee. I stayed on the toilet for several awful contractions and then finally felt like I maybe needed to push. I asked the Dr to break my water, which still was intact. Then I was really ready to push.
The feeling of pushing not numbed, I will never forget it. It is crazy. It was like 7 pounds of jello in my vagina. Bone-in jello. I pushed for three contractions. Each time I was told to rest between contractions, gear up as the contraction gears up, and then give it my all when the contraction peaks. I could feel the jello go out and back in. I didn’t think we were getting anywhere. At the fourth contraction the Dr said, “The head and shoulders are out, let’s get the rest.” She yelled at me to push. Some crazy strength came over me and I did as I was told. With enormous force. I think a noise even came from me from somewhere. Then I lay back down to get ready for the next contraction.”Look down, your baby’s here!”
And so he was. I couldn’t believe it. He was already shining, light, so happy to have landed here. He was totally embodied. He was love. I loved him. I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to love someone as much as I loved my daughter but here he was and I did.
Delivering the placenta HURT.
Several nurses called me rock star. I wanted to let it get to my head but I knew better.
Here’s what I learned:
The way your birth goes is all about chance, mostly the position of the baby. You can’t control it. You can’t prepare for it. You can’t be doing things right or not right. And especially this: If your birth did not go the way you anticipated, it has nothing to do with you having unresolved something or other that stopped you from truly accessing your whatever. I had much more unresolved something or other with N’s pregnancy but my whatever was evidently engaged. How it goes is how it was going to go, how it was supposed to go and you just brought a new life into the world, and people profiting from preaching ecstatic births or results from hypo whatever or spiritual techniques etc should really take a look at what they’re doing because in my opinion it is fucked up to try to make people think they can control this and are supposed to have a particular experience and failed if they didn’t.And the obvious corollary, if you were lucky enough to have a relatively easy birth, it was just luck and other people who weren’t so lucky are in no way less good at it than you are.
Contrary to what I might have initially feared, hospitals don’t send anesthesiologists to suddenly pounce on you and shove a needle in your spine the second you walk in the door. In fact having the option of an epidural was super helpful for me and saved me from a c-section. I have all respect for all types and places of birth, seriously, but I don’t think the hospital is a terrible option.


People who give birth without medication are not amazing heroes of strength and power and endurance any more than anyone who gives birth in any scenario. It’s all completely unfathomably amazing. But people who have back labor kind of are the toughest.
Basically, just not judging, ourselves and others. There’s no control over any of it and the sooner we get ok with that first and hugely important lesson of parenting, the better this continual ripping apart of ourselves (in order to make room for life and growth and amazingness) that is parenting will go for us.

I have had two pregnancies, two successful births, and two postpartum periods. My first postpartum period resulted in one of the darkest depressions I have ever experienced. The second was completely the opposite, so much so that it is staggering. What did I do differently the second time that caused me to be in awe of my new child versus feeling like I was spiraling into the deepest, darkest hole imaginable and that danger could be around every corner? I ingested my placenta in a pill form. You read that right, I ate my placenta.
 
 
Guess what? I'm not the only one. The popularity of the practice of placentophagy is increasing exponentially. Women are finding the benefits of ingesting their placenta to be invaluable, and are ignoring conventional thinking that it has no benefits and is only medical waste. Although few studies have been done on the effects of placentophagy, in one study, interviews were done with women who had recently ingested their placentas after giving birth. "When asked to rate how positive the placentophagy experience was on a Likert scale, the majority of women reported that placentophagy was a very positive experience (75%) or positive experience (20%). Four percent of participants described it as slightly positive and 1% of participants selected not positive. Nearly all participants (98%) indicated that they would participate in placentophagy again." (1) 98% is a statistical number that is rarely seen. Having the knowledge of this percentage along with my own experience and the experience of my clients, I would say that there probably something to this placentophagy thing, despite the opposition.
 
 
During pregnancy, we hear so much about how to take care of ourselves and our unborn babies. We get advice from our practitioners, family, friends and even, on occasion, strangers on a range of topics such as what to eat and not to eat, how to exercise and what pre-natal supplements to take. Rarely do we or others question how we plan to be supported during the postpartum period.  As natural as pregnancy and birth are, these events take a tremendous toll on a woman's physical body, hormonal balance and emotional wellbeing. This can result in a very turbulent experience for the mother, baby and the rest of the family after the baby is born. After birth, there is always a ripple effect that usually originates with the mother and tends to permeate everyone in the family. Making this ripple as positive as possible results in a much less stressful situation and a happier family. And really, what is more important than the happiness of the family? We need all the help and resources we can obtain during this time. I personally feel that taking the placenta pills is one of the best things a new mother can do for herself.
 
I was devastated that I was unable to take the pills after my firstborn. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew I had missed an opportunity to heal faster, balance myself and have a profound source of support. Not only was I greatly affected by this depression, but naturally my husband and my new son were as well. Three and half years later when I had my daughter and was able to take all my placenta pills, I did not experience any depression at all! The difference in my two postpartum experiences was like night and day. I was so inspired by this difference that I decided to provide this service for other women, and a year after my daughter was born, I began to encapsulate placentas myself.
 
The positive effects of ingesting your placenta go beyond prevention of postpartum depression. The pills will give you energy, boost your immune system, balance and stabilize your hormones and your moods, replenish your iron, provide key minerals and vitamins, and enhance lactation and milk production. The hormones will also remind your uterus that it knows how to heal and will stimulate your endocrine system, especially the hypothalamus gland to bring your body back to homeostasis and regulation. This is done by maintaining cortisol levels.
 
Specifically, placenta pills have been known to:
 

• Increase general energy
• Allow a quicker return to health after birth
• Increase production of breast milk
• Decrease likelihood of baby blues and postnatal depression
• Decrease likelihood of iron deficiency
• Decrease likelihood of insomnia or sleep disorders
• Decrease the length of time and amount of bleeding after birth

 
 
The placenta contains vitamins and minerals such as vitamin B6 and is rich in iron and protein, which is useful to women recovering from childbirth. A more complete list of the nutritional properties of the placenta can be found in (2). The placenta’s hormonal and nutritional make-up is completely unique to the mother. No prescription, vitamin, or herbal supplement can do what one placenta pill can. Encapsulation gives women an option who may feel uncomfortable with other methods of ingesting this powerful organ or want to reap the benefits of the placenta over a longer period of time. Powdered placenta has been used in Traditional Chinese Medicine for centuries, and has also been used to help women through the process of menopause as well as postpartum. Doctors of oriental medicine today feel that placenta ingestion is not only good for the mother postpartum, but that it also places her on a more healthy trajectory that can last the rest of her life.
 
 
Now over five years later (and four years after providing placenta encapsulation services), I'm still learning of more of its benefits to women. I've never felt better about any other work that I have done and LOVE to hear how much this has helped my clients. The placenta is not only a gift to the child during the pregnancy, but a gift to the mother as well after birth. As the current paradigm shifts to trusting our bodies, we will be able to realize the full potential of practices that come to us naturally during the childbearing years. I strongly believe that ingesting the placenta and its benefits will be a significant transformation for mothers, families and society in whole.
 
 
 

1. Jodi Selander , Allison Cantor , Sharon M. Young & Daniel C. Benyshek (2013): Human Maternal Placentophagy: A Survey of Self-Reported Motivations and Experiences Associated with Placenta Consumption, Ecology of Food and Nutrition, 52:2, 93-115
2.  http://www.placentawise.com/research-studies-supporting-placenta-encapsulation/

by Shabd Simran Adeniji

Being in the moment is a constant battle of mine.  Like many, I struggle with my ‘monkey mind’. Thinking and then more thinking! As a kid, I grew up around yoga and meditation. I have used these tools all my life as a way to control my mind and turn inward to find a more peaceful balance. But even all that meditation didn’t prepare me for the anxiety of pregnancy.
 
When I had first became a midwife one of my mentors used to say ‘worry of the work of pregnancy’. I didn’t really get what she meant and I actually felt like she was being a little cynical when she said it but then I was pregnant for myself and it all made sense.
 
My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks -- heartbreaking for my husband and I both. So by the time I was pregnant the second time I was full of angst about it going well.  I felt like all I did for the first many months was worry; worry whether everything was ok with the baby; worry that I might do something to ‘cause’ another miscarriage; worry that something was wrong with me or that I might never have a baby.  My hands were basically clenched in fists for the first four months of pregnancy. It was rough. No matter what people said I couldn’t shake the fear that things might end at any moment.

​I couldn’t trust anything about the process because it was so fallible, so fragile and so out of my control.
I couldn’t understand the depth of fear one can feel even though I had walked with many women on the journey of pregnancy loss.  To add to it, having seen so much as a midwife, I kept thinking of wore case scenarios.  Unlikely situations that were still ‘possible’.
 
I was a mess.
 
Once I passed the golden twelve-week mark I thought things would get better. They didn’t.   I continued to feel scared.  I started to realize this wasn’t going away by the mere fact that the pregnancy was progressing smoothly.  I needed to take charge of my mind because it was taking over my pregnancy and my whole inner world. 
 
I went back to what I knew worked for me so many times before.  When my mind would begin to spin with fears and worries I would stop, sit up straight, close my eyes, take a deep breath and get myself back in to my body.  It was the only thing that brought any sense of peace in my mind. Getting out of my head and into my body where I could get a real sense of whether things were ok or not. Sometimes the breathing was enough but other times I would need to add a mantra to the mix, something to occupy my spiral thinking.
 
I use mantras from the Sikh tradition for the most part but I also would use affirmations like ‘ I am ok, my baby is ok’ or ‘ we are taken care of… I don’t need to worry’.  I would simply repeat those ‘mantras’ over and over engaging my brain in different thinking. I was able to almost ‘talk back’ to the anxiety with my positive affirmations, prayers or mantras.
 
Even in to the second and third trimesters when things were stable and I could feel baby moving regularly I still found myself feeling fearful.  If it wasn’t about the pregnancy itself then I found other things to worry about; could I handle the birth, would I be a good mother, will there be enough money if I stop working, will my marriage change. The list kept going.  I only started relaxing toward the end of my pregnancy, surrendering in the process and realizing no matter what the outcome- I cannot control it.  

​I used my meditation practice and called on friends for reassurance regularly.  I mostly needed reminding that I needed to trust in a higher power and that my main role in this pregnancy is to keep a relaxed, calm environment for baby to grow in  (within reason of course, it’s never all roses and unicorns).
 
What I now know as a mom and midwife that I didn’t know before is that worry is indeed the work of pregnancy BUT it doesn’t need to consume us.  It is biological for a parents to become hyper aware of their circumstances and surroundings in order to prepare for the arrival of a new baby. And despite the fact that this might begin as a hormonal response, our mind can take it to another level- a non-beneficial level.  
Here is a list of tools I used and that I regularly recommend to parents who experience worry or anxiety in pregnancy and early parenting.

• Learn a simple breathing practice
• Regular prenatal yoga and meditation
• Outdoor activities- nature works wonders on our minds
• Acupuncture (there are some great points to quiet the mind)
• Essential oils (diffused over night helped me with sleep)

 
And remember, for many parents this is a passing phase, for some it lasts through the early months after birth (others are able to move through it faster) and some continue to struggle further in to parenting.  If you or your partner struggle with anxiety on a deeper level please be sure to reach out for additional support/guidance and feel free to contact me for referrals to local providers who may be able to help. 
​

Prenatal massage may sound like a luxury, but research shows it’s a valuable tool in promoting optimal health for you and your baby. In fact, it is the most common alternative therapy recommended by doctors and midwives during pregnancy.
 
During pregnancy your body goes through many changes as your baby grows. In the first trimester, massage can relieve morning sickness, headaches and reduce fatigue. In the second and third trimester, massage helps to alleviate back, neck, hip and joint pain, and relieve leg cramps. Prenatal massage reduces swelling, edema, nerve pain, and lowers blood pressure. It enhances the quality of sleep and helps keep the pelvic muscles relaxed as the hips widen, relieving discomfort and helping you have an easier labor.
 
Prenatal massage increases circulation of blood and lymph, and increases oxygenation to the blood, brain and body of the mother and baby. This increase in blood circulation and oxygenation helps alleviate stiffness, swelling, cramping, numbness and nerve pain (like sciatica and pregnancy induced carpal tunnel). It increases deep breathing and lowers breathlessness and dizziness for the mother and positively affects the baby’s ability to receive blood circulation and nutrients for optimal development.
 
Arguably the biggest long-term benefit of prenatal massage for mother and baby is that it reduces stress hormones. High levels of stress and stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine can affect the mother and baby negatively during pregnancy. Bi-weekly prenatal massage has been shown to reduce stress hormones and increases feel-good hormones like endorphins and serotonin. Keeping these hormones balanced has been shown to reduce stress, anxiety and depression during pregnancy.  It also improves cardiovascular health, lowers blood pressure and boosts immunity, which allows the mother’s brain and body to perform optimally.
 
According to a study published in The National Library of Medicine, “depressed women given massage therapy had fewer prenatal complications, including a 75% lower prematurity rate and an 80% lower incidence of low birth weight” (Field, 2010). The study also reported, decreased depression, anxiety and back pain. The women in the study who had regular prenatal massage had lower levels of stress hormones (cortisol and epinephrine) and lower levels of postpartum depression. Their newborns also had lower cortisol levels and performed better on Neonatal Behavioral Assessment tests­. “With mothers less depressed during the neonatal period along with more mature and interactive newborns, the bonding process between them is enhanced.”
 
Including massage as part of your prenatal care is not just a matter of indulging yourself, so take the opportunity to enjoy a massage for its health benefits for you and your baby! Feel free to call me or

Field, T. (2010). Pregnancy and labor massage. Expert Review of Obstetrics & Gynecology, 5(2), 177–181. http://doi.org/10.1586/eog.10.12
 
Field, T., Hernandez-Reif, M., Hart, S., Theakston, H., Schanberg, S., & Kuhn, C. (1999). Pregnant women benefit from massage therapy. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynaecology, 20(1), 31-38.
 
Howell, J. NMT, PMT, Prenatal Health Through Massage Therapy: For women and Their Babies. The Free Library 01 December 2002. 04 August 2016 <http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Prenatal health through massage therapy: for women and their babies:...-a098250301>.

Walking uphill and facing the wind, I quickly do the math. Nadia (proud 5.5 year old) is just over forty pounds, Mateen (the toddler) is plus twenty, and the double stroller must be at least twenty more.  More often than not, they play with each other. Eighty additional pounds, I push, and I climb.  I remind myself to straighten my back and look down at my legs to see my quadriceps work. I feel strong and alive, even if strained. I hold on to the handlebar tightly – thankful for its support and balance, as I transition to the downward slope.  Suddenly I wonder to myself, how did I ever walk this path without the stroller?
 
I was always a walker. Growing up in Sub-Saharan Africa, something I did well was walk everywhere. In the hottest of hot days, and with the dry wind blowing dust into my face. I love to walk. It is my time to feel and process the many things.  It is my time to determine what my opinion on something is. Walking is my tool.  I organize thoughts, make plans, and find motivation for action.  It is my means of being a creative thinker.
 
Oh, to be a creative thinker again!  My mind now begins to wander. What does that look like in my now family-focused life? Do I still take time to think creatively about the world, and my role in it? Do I still try to keep an honest awareness of self and the collective to which I belong? I haven’t walked like this in a long time. Walked mindfully.  My mind and daily routine are so very consumed with the children I push in this stroller.  Currently they are trying to determine who truly has possession of the bag of apples I handed one of them at the beginning of the walk.
 
“Mama, isn’t this mine?” yells the older one.  I break away from my wandering mind. I pull out another Ziploc bag of sliced apples from the handlebar accessory (that nifty pouch can hold more than just your water bottle and phone), and pass it over to a reaching hand.  I am still walking. I say nothing. My son acknowledges the gesture with a smile and they continue on their interaction.
 
The thought of creativity returns to me. It’s a funny thought - to consider that as a mother to these unique children I should feel the loss of creativity.  Perhaps its more than making babies for nearly ten months and getting them out into the world that I’m questioning.  Perhaps that creative self is yearning for more than making the milk nourishing them for 1 to 2 years of their life. Perhaps it’s about more than shaping their character in the formative years of their life. The loss I am feeling is a result of a particular need to let my mind do just this – to think.
 
I turn off the path and onto the sidewalk down our street. The kids are ready to get out of their seats and walk the last few hundred feet themselves. Now they are running because they see their father, just home from his very own long day, parked on the driveway. He is standing out looking in our direction. Arms open.
 
“You went for a walk!” he calls out with a knowing smile.
 
In this moment I realize it has been far too long since I’ve gone for a walk. It’s been far too long since I have given myself the time to think about the many things.
 
So, as often as I can, I lace up, buckle them in and walk; and I thank God for my active mind, my legs, my cargo, and my double stroller. 

When you look at the probability of trauma in the course of a woman’s life, the statistics are high. One in three will experience sexual abuse in her lifetime, one if four will perceive her birth as traumatic. So, if you’re a childbirth or postpartum professional you are regularly working with women who have experienced trauma. And keep in mind; a woman who has previous trauma or a history of abuse has a much higher chance of being triggered in birth and experiencing trauma again.
What is birth trauma? It’s all about perception. When a woman perceives her birth as traumatic, she has felt one or more of the following in an intense and damaging way:

• Complete loss of control
• Totally helpless in the face of defending herself or her baby
• Victimized by an authority figure; emotionally and/or physically
• Abandoned
• Disrespected

Birth trauma will have immediate effects on a woman and change her experience of birth, postpartum and motherhood. As birth professionals, our goals are to prevent birth trauma by providing support, information and guidance for laboring Mamas. Some of the things you can do during your time together are build trust, tune in to Mom’s behaviors to establish safety in the labor room, and speak to her in a calm, affirming voice. But unfortunately, we can’t always prevent birth trauma.
Women who have experienced a traumatic birth can develop PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder). It can be misdiagnosed as postpartum depression or anxiety but the symptoms are actually different. Some signs of PTSD in a new mother are:

• Lack of a strong bond to baby, not holding or responding to her baby
• Extreme irritability, anger and blame
• Obsessing over the events of the birth; may include flashbacks or nightmares
• Uncontrollable crying, intrusive thoughts and fear
• Avoiding doctor’s appointments, seeing family or scheduling to see you for follow up

There are some important things to keep in mind when dealing with a Mom who has birth trauma. Your support will be critical to establishing safety, support and eventually healing from this difficult time.
Here are some things you can do to support a Mom with trauma:

• Create a calm environment and speak in a calm, steady voice. Use her name when speaking to her as it will bring her attention to your voice. Give positive, truthful and affirming statements.
• Normalize her response to her birth. Confirm that her response is normal for someone experiencing an overwhelming amount of stress. Say things like, “That would be upsetting to anyone.” “You’re crying because that’s how people react when they feel angry or frightened.” Don’t place blame or contribute to her feelings by becoming angry yourself.
• Be a witness for her. This is the true gift of a doula. The human brain translates acknowledgement, support and connection as SAFETY. Help her establish safety in these important weeks after birth.
• Affirm that something bad has happened. In a loving way say things like, “I’m sorry this happened.” “You didn’t deserve that.” “It’s not your fault.” “You’re safe now.” Again, don’t fuel her anger or powerlessness by engaging in blaming, criticizing or attacking other parties who were involved.Restore a sense of control, power and self-efficacy. Continue to respect her choices, assure her that she is “in the driver’s seat” and she gets to determine her next steps. Let her make decisions and don’t tell her what she should do.

The exciting and encouraging thing to hope for is what’s called post traumatic growth. With proper self-care, nutrition, sleep, and exercise she will begin to feel better. Suggest to her that some women find healing through yoga, body work, trauma therapy and groups. Post traumatic growth provides women the opportunity to heal from trauma and become stronger, wiser and more compassionate because of it. With adequate support, education and care new Moms can fall in love with their babies and leave the shame and pain of trauma behind.

By Abby Bordner, Doula & Parent Educator

 For first time families birthing in the hospital or birth center, what to bring with you can be yet another unknown. Here’s a list that will cover all your bases- the essentials and the ‘nice to haves’ too. It’s not only important to bring the right clothes but to include your labor support tools and healing remedies for after baby is born too!
I always recommend that parents pack a couple smaller bags so you don’t need to bring in a huge suitcase as you arrive i.e one bag for mom (including labor tools), one for partner & baby which can come in later.
Essentials:

• Insurance info, hospital forms and your Birth Plan (if you have one)
• Dark colored nighty or T-shirt to wear in labor. It will probably get a bit messy, so don't buy anything special to wear in hospital (or use the hospital gowns)
• Sports bra (can be nice to labor in)
• 2 nursing tanks or nursing bras to wear after birth
• Lip balm (all that breathing can dry out your lips)
• Toiletries and personal items — hairbrush, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, face wash, shampoo & conditioner, lotion, contact supplies (travel size are great).
• Sensible Underwear- dark colored, briefs – no thongs! (the hospital will often provide disposable pairs which is another option)
• Cell phone and charger, phone numbers of people to call after birth
• Camera, film or extra memory card, battery or charger or just your phoneJ
• Maternity pads (the hospital supplies some but they are often surf board variety and many don’t have wings)
• Socks or slippers ( if you run cold)
• Rescue Remedy- a flower essence that helps with trauma and recovery- safe for the whole family

Nice-to- have items:

• Extra pillow
• Bath robe
• Headband or hair ties, Hairdryer
• Comfortable clothes for going home (maternity size and flat shoes)
• Arnica (homeopathic) arnica reduces bruising, aids in recovery and helps the body through the healing process (there is cream also but don't apply the cream to broken skin i.e. perineal tear).

For Partner & Baby:

• A gym bag packed with a change of clothes and basic hygiene products for your partner
• Think camping: sleeping bag/pad, pillow or even blow up mattress with bedding (optional, see the size of your room before deciding to bring it in)
• Car seat for baby
• A coming-home outfit for baby
• Socks or booties.
• Baby hat ( hat is for going home, keep baby’s head uncovered while snuggling it’s great for bonding)
• Warm blankets (for the ride home, seasonal obviously)

 
Optional Labor Tools (See Your Labor Tool Check List)

• Hard candy, mints or lozenges to keep your mouth moist during labor
• Water bottle
• Electrolyte drinks: Emergen-C, Recharge, coconut water, Gatorade/Powerade
• Snacks for partner: easy cook noodles, protein bars, nuts
• Music/playlists
• Lighting- LED candles or fairy lights
• Comfort tools: massage tool, tennis ball (back pressure), rebozo, heating pad, or any inspirational objects to be used as your focal points

 
 If you can think of other things to add to this list, let us know! What worked for you.. your tips might help another family!

Blog by Shabd Simran Adeniji, Owner of The Birthing Tree

 When Jane from the new hit TV comedy was told her baby was in a breech position (head up, bottom down), her OB-GYN warned that she could be at risk for a cesarean section. Jane the Virgin Jane got the baby to turn with an Oriental medicine technique called moxibustion, in which dried mugwort herb is burned indirectly over acupuncture points. As the show’s narrator said, “Google it! It’s a real thing.” Moxabustion was a great dramatic tool for the TV show. That night, the baby turned but Jane fell asleep while using the moxibustion and her ottoman caught fire. Before trying this at home, I would say seek a professional! For most Americans, acupuncture and Oriental medicine for pregnancy and birth is the next big discovery waiting to happen — a treasure trove of help for the common challenges of pregnancy.

Licensed practitioners of acupuncture and herbal medicine can help decrease stress and anxiety, calm nausea, treat sciatic pain, and improve sleep and energy. Some practitioners are trained to prevent the transfer of parental toxins to the fetus, which are reputed to decrease the risk of childhood epidemics and environmental toxins. For these treatments, visits at the end of each trimester are essential.

Preventing miscarriage is another strength of acupuncture and Oriental medicine. Western medicine has limited treatments for threatened miscarriage. Common treatments include blood thinners such as heparin or aspirin and the hormone progesterone. Since the medical options are so limited, most doctors try what they can, while they are resigned to wait to see what happens. Oriental medicine, on the other hand, has a different framework that allows us to diagnose specific patterns of an underlying cause and treat them, ideally even before  the risk fully manifests as bleeding, blood clots or dilated cervix.

Even less known is its excellent ability to forecast and decrease risk of complicating factors such as preeclampsia, low amniotic fluids or delayed labor — all of which may endanger the fetus and require medical interventions. Even if a pregnancy has been uneventful, visiting an acupuncture and Oriental medicine practitioner at the beginning of the third trimester, at minimum, is wise. We will diagnose constitutional tendencies and potential risks. We will treat to encourage vitality and a smooth, harmonious pregnancy, birth and postpartum experience.

Acupuncture lowers perceived levels of stress, according to a 2010 study. Imagine how much acupuncture would have helped Jane download all the stressful events in her pregnancy — two breakups, her grandmother’s near death, two new jobs, a crime syndicate and a murder, meeting her father for the first time and unexpected motherhood, and single motherhood at that. Even if most pregnant women don’t have a life based on a telenovela, we all manage stress in our lives. Stress is dangerous for mother and baby, because it can raise blood pressure to dangerous levels and increase risk of premature birth or low birthweight babies, according to a 2006 March of Dimes study. The season finale of showed Jane’s baby being kidnapped only hours after her birth. With this unimaginable stress, the next season may show Jane going through a severe postpartum depression. Jane the Virgin Although Jane’s loss is hopefully rare in the real world, postpartum depression is not. It commonly affects 10-15 percent of new mothers, and young mothers are more at risk, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Postpartum depression can be minimized with preventive support from acupuncture and Oriental medicine that lowers stress, stabilizes hormones, encourages milk production, stops bleeding and replenishes fluids, blood and energy. Every pregnant woman deserves good pre- and postnatal support. Acupuncture and Oriental medicine can provide a critical complement to Western medical obstetrics.

Hang on, what is that bulge in my stomach? I thought to myself one night when I lifted my head while lying next to my 3 year-old-daughter as part of our normal bedtime routine. Of course, my belly was big - I was 7 months pregnant with #2.  But this was different.  I relaxed my head back down, and lifted one more time. There it went again. It looked like my still growing baby was a cone-shaped bulge in my belly – with a peak – like a hill peak vs. a mountain peak. To humor myself, I did it again of course.  
 
Too tired to search the internet for possible explanations – I used my excellent reasoning skills to give me reassurance: I am a smaller person; I gained 50+ pounds with my daughter; she was an unplanned c-section. My abdominal muscles must not be strong enough to hold this baby from protruding my midline when I do a crunch-like motion. It will go back into place after he’s born, I told myself.  And I am doing a really good job of moderating the weight gain this go around! I’m really good at self-reasoning. ​